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Just thinking

A friend sent me a sound file recently. It's of my favorite singer, Josh Groban doing a version of Imagine. I know Kelly would of favored the Lennon version herself but it just got me thinking of her.

I also got to thinking of Kelly recently because on April 5, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was 10 years of searching for an answer and I found it. Only problem: The doctor who diagnosed (an arthritis specialist at Penn Presbyterian Medical Center in Philadelphia) threw the ball back in the court of my GP. Now my GP is a great doc but he doesn't know how to treat the pain other than to send me to a pain management doc. The pain management doc's way of treating it? Cortisone injections. Only problem with these injections? They have a steroid in them and they cause you blood sugar to go up.

It got me thinking about Kelly because if she were still here, I know she'd sympathize with my pain. She'd be someone I could turn to when things REALLY sucked. Sure I have a lot of friends who deal with chronic pain but I don't know if they would understand the hell that is fibromyalgia.

Just thinking about this makes me cry.

This is for Kelly.

It made me smile this morning.

So strange…

Monday will be three years since Kelly died.

Funny how time flies.

In those three years, I went from being an underemployed writer who had so many issues with the world to someone who while doesn't have meaningful employment, has been able to resolve a lot.

I think I learned a lot from knowing Kelly. For starters, I learned that you don't take crap from anyone. But I also learned how to deal with illness and still have your dignity and lead a somewhat normal life.

I only thought of the latter because in the last three years, my own battles with migraines and arthritis has gotten worse. Because of Kelly's struggle, I learned that I have to be more aggressive with my own treatment options. I recently had an issue with a neurologist I was seeing, so I fired him. I now go to a better one (I hope, I only had one appointment but even the attending doc who saw me said I was in good hands, so that's a positive thing) and I'm actually getting treatment options that have a chance to work. I have been having major problems with my neck and back. I'm getting treatment for that too. I feel that if it weren't for knowing Kelly, I wouldn't be aware of the importance of being an advocate not only for those who are affected by disability and illness but for yourself.

Last summer, I decided since I have a lot of time on my hands due to the disabling illnesses I have, I would go volunteer at the local hospital. I did that and I'm pretty sure Kelly would approve of me doing what I do. Sure it's seeing how others were treated while at the hospital, but I do get to make a difference because I find myself advising a lot of the people I call.

It'll be three years in July since I lost my job. They said it was budget cuts but I got suspicious when I realized I was the only one let go and I knew the boss had something against me because I had a disability. Instead of going quietly, I filed a complaint with the EEOC. Sure the outcome wasn't what I wanted (the EEOC sided with the company…bastards) but I know this is another thing that would of made Kelly cheer me on just because I fought back.

Three years is a long time….but alas, I don't forget. I'll never forget.

Oct. 31st, 2011

Considering the date, it's no wonder Kelly's been in my thoughts. Rest well, my friend.

And for anyone who doesn't feel that one person can have an impact, well... I consider Kelly a dear friend. I never met her in person, but she made a difference to me. We would each shoot little things back and forth, not a lot, but when we found something that we knew the other would get a smile from.

I still miss that  I can olny hope that, when it came to those smile-worthy items, that I gave as good as I got.
Sometimes, whole days go by before I check twitter, lj, or even facebook, and there has been so much stuff, I know I just can't catch up to it all (and a lot of it isn't worth the effort, to be honest.) Then I have stretches like this, where I have nothing but time, and even twitter moves at a snail's pace. Maybe I should follow more than 40 people... Anyhow, I decided to go re-read parts of Kelly's journal. It's really hard, especially her last entries that were full of pain and searches for help that could not be given. But under that she was always so tough, and looked for joy and kindness where ever she could.

Anyone who has read my lj knows that I am going through some stuff myself right now. Totally different from Kelly, because my diagnosis and treatment is straight forward, but still scary, and I have still had to spend a few nights in the hospital because of it. Part of me is relieved that I don't have to burden her with my problems. She had enough second hand encounters with cancer! But selfishly, I wish I had her to talk to. She could always make me laugh until I cried.

I wish I could have done more for her when she was alive - seen her more, talked to her on the phone more. You can't change the past, you can only learn from it.

Two years... (and a day)

I didn't make it to the computer yesterday, but I wanted to post "to Kelly."

I miss her a lot. My husband got me Beatles Rock Band for Christmas, and I wish I could have her come over and play it with me, even though I worry that the trippy graphics would trigger a migraine. I still love the Beatles, but listening to their music makes me a little sad now.
Yesterday was Kelly's birthday.  This weekend I got to go to a Halloween/birthday party for a mutual friend from high school.  I didn't talk about Kelly, but I was thinking about her, as I do every Halloween.

Kelly's Mom

I thought I would share this here.  Kelly's brother Scott posted it on her Facebook wall:

Rest in peace with Mom sis. I hope you've found her.

Now that all four of you are together, you can play a good game of cards, or Majong :)

01 July at 23:26
Her friend, Keri, sent me a message to let me know that Kelly's mom passed away at the beginning of July.
Sorry I missed this yesterday.

In memory of Kelly... I still miss her lots!

One year ago today...

Today I watched the latest "Red Dwarf" special.  When we were in high school together, Kelly and I used to quote British comedy to each other all the time, especially Monty Python.  This particular episode was not especially good, but it had some really funny parts that I know she would have laughed at.  She had the best laugh.