I had a dream last night...

Kelly and I were going to the same college, and we were taking a class together.  (In real life, we were at college at the same time, but not the same school.)  One day, she missed that class, and I wondered why.  I meant to call her or email her to ask what was up, but I didn't get around to it that day.  The next day, I was checking my email in my dorm room and saw an email from her.  I opened it, and saw that it was a message written to hockeykat , that I had been cc'd on.  When I tried to maximize the window, I accidentally closed it.  I re-opened the brower, found the email, opened it, then


My smoke detector went off for just 6 beeps, then stopped.  Enough to wake me and my husband up and check the house.  There was nothing wrong.   I am very sad that I didn't get to read the email.

lonely night


i haven't been able to watch House yet, --nor the trrailer-- because i was in a psych ward for 2 weeks---

but the promo trailer song; i want to choreograph it. im not sure the name of it, but it starts "i've been working on a cocktail, 'called grounds for divorce". 

 here's to starting at the beginning...<3

and trying to combat this hurt/honor a beloved friend. 
this is coming from someone without a background in dance, but i'll make it work...


(no subject)

I never knew Kelly, but I randomly came across her livejournal and memorial page.

I think her life story was beautiful and I am glad to have had the chance to read about it. 
I miss her without ever knowing her and I want her story to be a movie or something so that everyone could have the chance to know her. 

That's all I really have to say, but I've bookmarked her journal and will be reading through it for some time now..
rent - collins - goodbye

No Day But Today

Kelly introduced me to the Broadway show RENT a number of years ago. She gave me a copy of the OBC soundtrack and took me to see the show live for the first time as a belated birthday present at the Warner Theater in Washington DC.

Last fall, it was announced that OBC members Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal would be on the national tour and Kelly and I were so excited and talked about going to the show together.

My friend Cassie bought tickets for myself and her for the February performance in Philly back in December.

When Kelly passed away, one of the first things that crossed my mind was that I would not be able to handle seeing the show live so soon after her death. Cassie was incredibly understanding and told me that if I wanted to cancel my trip to see her and the show, she would find someone else to use my ticket. My roommate convinced me that Kelly would kick my ass if I didn't go.

So I went. And I cried. But I didn't write anything about it because the pain was still too deep.

On Wednesday I went to see RENT again, with my roommate and another friend of ours who was visiting from out of town. We went to the Warner Theater. And I was once again struck with memories of Kelly. But this time, I didn't cry. Instead, I walked away with a feeling of peace.

The message of the show is a simple one: No Day But Today. And it's one I think Kelly would want us all to remember.
lonely night

last to know...

i just found out today...was thinking of her, and knew i ahdn't heard from her in forever...i just saw all the posts on facebook. bawled my damn eyes out, for sure. and i just wanna keep crying. because i can't deal with this anger i feel. im sure everyone is past that part already; but for me it's just beginning...these ( enter one of many expletive) doctors. i just...ugh. it doesn't make sense. she didn't deserve any of what she was put through. and the doctors were useless. 32 is way too young. all these things have been said here though, i just...i don't know. im definitely in shock. i met her in a fibro support group, and that was it; we hit it off nicely. and i kept up on her journal as much as i could.

loved her and always will. she had a strength in her  i could only pray for.
my condolences to other friends/family of Kel's...




Thinking about Kelly...

I got an message today from Kelly's brother, Scott.  Their mom is staying in New York with their uncle for the time being.  After reading that message, I got to thinking about Kelly some more and went back and read some of her old posts.  I miss her so much.  I watched an old episode of House, and wondered if it was one that she had seen.  I'm glad she's not suffering any more, but the world is a lonelier place without her.

After she passed away, I was playing some piano music out of a book my husband bought me, called "The Best Acoustic Rock Songs Ever."  Hyperbole, perhaps, but of course there were some Beatles songs in there.  Then I came across "Iris" by the GooGoo Dolls, and the lyrics really made me think of her journal:

And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

I'm so glad that we got back in touch, even though it means that I miss her so much more now.

  • lacey

Dear Kelly

I was going through the text messages on my old cell phone today and I thought of you.

When my current job hired me, you were just as emphatic as everyone else in congratulating me. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 1996, when I was nine. You knew what that was like. You knew what it was like to be facing things no one your age should ever have to, and feeling like there was no one to talk to. You knew so many things. And I knew that whatever I wrote, no matter how dark it was, you would read it and you would understand.

When Tommy, our old tomcat, died last year, you emphazized that he'd had a long life, one that was better for us having been in it, and helped me remember the good stuff: the time he ate through the Taco Bell paper to get the taco, the time he pulled that White Castle out of the bag and started eating it. Tommy always slept under the floor lamp behind the couch, and it has been a year and a half since he died, but I always expect to find him there when I look over at that lamp. The resulting jolt and sadness is the same I get when I open my friends page and don't see an entry from you.

You brought so much good to the world, even now. Every time I hear someone squeeing about House, I think of you. Every time I hear a Beatles song, I think of you, and I smile.

I miss your squeeing. I miss your fangirling. I miss your entries.

I miss you.
writer&#39;s block

(no subject)

I remember when Kelly's dad died. She mentioned that someone else had a dream about him where he told that person that he was all right. I remember she wondered and wondered why he never told her that in her dreams.

Now I'd been wondering ever since she died if she'd tell me she's all right. Had a dream about her last night. She was at work. Her coworker and friend Ed was there. They were laughing and joking. She gave me the biggest hug I think she's ever given me. I guess you're ok, aren't you bud?
*blowing bubbles

Update from Scott

posted on Kelly's Facebook Wall

Many people have been asking, and today we have finally heard from the ME as to the cause of Kelly's death.

Kelly died from a heart attack most likely due to a heart arrhythmia. Her heart was enlarged (we all knew she had a big heart (-: )and there was evidence of scar tissue. A toxicology screen was performed, and it showed only the therapeutic drugs she was prescribed for the various conditions she suffered.

32 is too young to go... 32 is too young to die for any reason. I am so happy we had your birthday, thanksgiving, and christmas to spend together.

I loved you so much sis and you will always be in my heart. Someday, hopefully long from now, we will be reunited. Until then, keep dad entertained - that should not be difficult :)

To everyone -- thanks so much. Your thoughts, prayers, love, and hugs have helped us so much.


Kelly's Memorial Service

I just got back from the service/wake.  There were a lot of people there.  I was really happy to see keri_lynn1 , hockeykat , janelgirl , Kristen, and Michelle there.  janelgirl and keri_lynn1  both spoke about Kelly, how they met, and what a great friend she was.  (If you guys could post your eulogies here, I think that would be really nice.)  Then the guests were invited to eat and drink and mingle and look at the picture collages.   There was some of Kelly's favorite music playing: Beatles (of course!) and Celtic Thunder, a show she had seen recently. 

I had a chance to talk to everyone mentioned above, plus Kelly's co-worker Ed, who I'd met a couple times before (and as a small-world coincidence, knows my brother.) hockeykat  's mom and husband, Kelly's mom and brother Scott, and Scott's girlfriend Ruby.  If any other LJ users were there, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to meet you.

I learned that her golden retriever, Monty, is going to a retriever rescue society.  I'm glad, because they do a good job of placing dogs in loving homes.  Last Friday, I had this urge to offer to take him myself, even though I really don't want to have a dog.  I saw it as a way of helping Kelly out and as a way of being closer to her.  But like I said, I really don't want a dog, and I think this is a better solution.

I was glad that the wake was at the Elk's Lodge instead of a Funeral Home.  It was larger and easier to see people, and the atmosphere was less depressing.  We were sad enough as it was without the vibe that you always get at funeral homes.

It was good to talk to people and to share memories of Kelly and school.  I wish we could have all gotten together a month ago, so that Kelly could have been there with us in person.  I remember going to birthday parties at her house when we were kids, but she never got married and she wasn't the type to throw a party for herself, so she never had a wedding reception or other gathering  where she could get together with all her friends and family at one time and be the guest of honor.  I wish Kelly could have seen how many people came because they cared about her and her family.

I'm sorry for the randomness; these are just my impressions from the evening.  I'll post some of my personal memories about Kelly when I can...
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